Sunday, March 3, 2013

I lost a baby, not my mind.

I lost a baby, not my mind. You ask am I ok, makes you sound dumb. It was my child that I'll never get to hold...would you be ok if your child died? Things will get better, life will go on, I'll probably have another baby, but it won't be this one. I'm not mad at God, I'm not mad at all, just broken hearted, sad to the core. I'm gonna cry, theres no stopping tears. Don't think you have to say something, just don't be weird. It is enough to say you love me and I'm in your prayers. I lost a baby, not my mind.


But when the fullness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God. (Galatians 4:4-7 NASB) I have been pondering the thought of being adopted into Christs family...I have this picture in my mind of happily ever after. Taken out of a bad situation, given love and acceptance, being part of a family. I know that adoption is a great thing, I also know that it is hard. I feel it inside me, the desire to cling to what I know, to be miserable, but comfortable. I want to let go of my sin, to flee from the devil and cling to my new father, but it is difficult. I find myself in this place, where I know what is right. I study the Word, memorize it, meditate on it, but still can't apply it to every area of my life. I feel connected to my "family" sometimes, but also find myself in sabotage mode...when things seem to be going in the right direction I make choices to perpetuate sin instead of flee from it. Why is it so hard to accept something you know is good for you...why does it still feel foreign...

Friday, February 15, 2013


"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18 It has been a difficult week. Moving my mother-in-law into her new house has had more of an impact on me and my emotions than I could have anticipated. While talking it out with my husband I have found that I place a huge value on family, and since mine is so far away I have taken comfort in knowing that my "other" family was so strong, and available. I have been working through a book on contentment, and struggle to find my worth, my satisfaction in the one person who cannot disappoint, Jesus Christ. I am blessed. I just need to pull my focus off the sadness and loss I feel and place it in the joys that can be found all around me...more importantly, the treasure waiting for me in heaven!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

My portion, my prayer

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34 I will choose to live today in the present, not focused on mistakes already forgiven or in the fear of what tomorrow holds. I will accept my portion today with a joyful heart. Appreciate every moment for what it is, an opportunity to glorify God!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Right...not right now.

"I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me." Galatians 2:20 I struggle to find my worth in Christ. I place my joy in the hands of those less capable of satisfying. I have the desire to seek after God, but as with many things in my life I lack the diligence, the discipline and the follow through. What am I not willing to give up? What idols am I holding onto that make it so hard for me to hold fast to my savior. My prayer this day is that I can give God power in my weakness...that I can choose what is right, not what is right now.